Why do the angels and demons fight in this world?
The Angels our hearts.
The Demons our minds.
Each has its own struggles
But still finds each opportunity
to wage battle against the other.
With every generation they grow stronger.
More kind and
more trusting.
More skilled and
more wicked.
As the years pass,
And the lessons learned
Our bodies tire.
Wither down and take one last breath
Is death victory?
Is this what we live for?
It is almost ten o’clock at night. I am sitting alone in my living room for the third night in a row and drinking what is always my first choice, WINE! I like to use these nights to curl up in a blanket, put on some soft jazz, maybe even find a cozy fireplace video on Youtube and just, think.
I started this warm and fuzzy tradition the year before I moved to Vancouver. I had moved into my grandparents old house. A place where I always felt at home and comfortable. I would sit right in front of the fireplace on the parquet floor my grandfather, Poke, himself had laid. Wrapped in a thin pink blanket I would sit there for hours, almost nightly. The warm orange glow that filled the room seemed to carry with it memories and more importantly, my dreams. I lost track of time in the harmony of the fire. It was my version of gazing out the window to the stars.
You may have asked why this is titled. I don’t have a point. Well, that is because after all the thinking I realize, I don’t!
I’m at a point in my life where I don’t have a purpose. I don’t have meaning, direction, hell I’m even having trouble dreaming of the future. I feel stagnant. And after the last four years is that necessarily a bad thing? After all the struggling—the fighting to figure who I am, don’t I deserve a little peace… some calm… to be bored.
Vancouver has been an amazing for me. I cannot express the gratitude I feel for this city and the most GLAMAZING people I have met since I moved here nearly five years ago. I’ve grown into an actual kind of person. I actually managed to fall in love this last year! How great is that! Yes, some people may not like who I’ve become or agree with the decisions I’ve made, but I’d rather you hate the real me than love the alternative.
I know this calm can’t last forever and that there is possibly a major storm on the horizon. I can more than just see the change coming, I can feel it. We all know that change needs to happen but I’m personally going to relax and enjoy this for as long as I can.
Xo,
Tee
P.S. I absolutely love Renee Olstead, such an incredible talent. This song is always on rotation when I spend a night in front of a roaring fireplace… even if it is on youtube 
Happiness.
An incredibly simple and complicated notion to comprehend.
These days we seem caught up believing “life will be better when…” or “I’ll be happy if…” Always chasing the big picture.
But once we realize happiness is something we feel, not something we accomplish– LIFE, just gets better.
xo,
Tee
… even temptation.
I know that sounds hard to believe. But last night I was struggling to come up with a topic for a new blog post, so I asked Tee for advise. His suggestion was, “Your amazing- and desirable- power to resist sugar!”
I don’t know if I have answers that will work for everyone, but I’m going to give this a try.
Kate Moss once made an incredibly idiotic statement that is quoted everywhere, both in pro- and anti-diet articles. “Nothing tastes as good,” she claimed, “as skinny feels.”
I love food, and I am willing wager that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of things that taste better than fitting into a small pair of pants does. Butter. Bread. Chocolate. Dulce de Leche. Sour cherry slurpees. Vanilla soft serve. Goat cheese. Chai lattes. Just to name a few. I eat my fair share of all of them, and I remain a tiny person. A lot of that has to do with genetics, which is unfair. But then, someone far wiser than Kate Moss once pointed out that, “life isn’t fair,” and, frankly, they were right.
As delicious as the photo above looks, there are a lot of compelling reasons to resist sweets.
1: If you eat too many, you risk getting diabetes. And then you would have to give yourself needles. Every single day. Think about it. It’s terrifying.
2: Dental work is expensive. And sugar, especially chocolate, really does rot your teeth.
3: Sugary food make you hungrier. So not only do you get all the bad calories from the sugary foods, you also get extra calories from what you end up eating after!
4: Like caffeine, cigarettes and alcohol, sugar is a drug and it is addictive. The more you eat it, the more you want it. It’s like a snowball rolling down a hill.
But everyone knows all of those things. And yet they all still give-in to late night Twizzler cravings and second helpings of birthday cake. So, what’s my big secret to avoiding sugar…?
The fact is, I don’t. Sugar occurs in nature and therefore, like any other food that doesn’t have a chemical prefix, is not harmful to your health in moderate amounts. Moderation is key. In my life, there are absolutely no forbidden foods. If I really, really want a slurpee, I’ll have a slurpee. The key is all in the serving size. If I want chocolate, I buy one chocolate bar- things like Mars and Twix top out at about 260 calories maximum. They won’t give you much energy, but 260 calories won’t make or break your diet. When I want a slurpee or a latte, I order the smallest size- or, if I’m feeling really indulgent, the second smallest. No matter how big your craving is, a little satisfaction can go a long way.
If you want to go all the way and cut out sugar completely, it can be done. I’ve experimented myself and can say for sure that the less sugar you eat, the less sweets you crave. But life is short, and it isn’t worth living without the things you love. A little something sweet can bring a lot of joy… just make sure it’s something little 
xox,
Cee
First, I AM IN LOVE! At least what I think of as love. For what I can only, see as the first time… at least with a boy… whom I know!
He is one of the most amazing people I have met. Smart, sexy, funny as HELL! I cannot think of a single time where I did not smile when I was with him.
This is all very new to me… I mean up until December 09 I was “Straight– but shit happens” hehehee (greatest line to come from movie night Cee)
This man gets my heart to beat fast, my knees to go weak and my cheeks to go blushing red! When we are not together, I think of no one but him. It is an extraordinary sensation that I have not felt since….
What makes me think this is different, that these feelings are deeper than what I have felt before, is that the second we are together my insides go calm. My mind and my heart stop racing. I want to be close to him physically, intellectually and emotionally.
This entire year has been about change. Adjustment. We never really seemed to know HOW we fit into each other’s lives. I do know one thing above all other. I have never had a friend like him. A man who I can trust with all of my heart and mind. Someone who gets that I am a little crazy and unless you take the first handful of popcorn, I will not be able to eat any myself.
However, the messed up thing is I have to give him up. We will always remain friends. But we have been dancing around each other for more than a year now. I have wanted to tell him about my feelings but it just does not come out… or I turn it into a joke. I think he does know, but I am taking this as a strong indicator that it is not the right time. For me, for us, especially for him.
I guess the point of this is this is an easier way for me to say THANK-YOU. Thank-you for showing me that I can love. That this empty chest cavity isn’t as frozen solid as I may have thought.
Love and adore.
xo,
Tee
Jim Adkins’ lyrics have been nursing me through bad breakups, impulsive lapses in judgement and moments of giddy joy since I was a young teenager. Bleed American, their third album, was the soundtrack to my sixteenth year on the planet. Every one of their releases since has been intricately linked with my life. Sometimes, although I know this makes me sound like a self-absorbed teeanger, I feel like the band must know me, their songs get so close to what I’m thinking. Sometimes I feel like I know them, because their experiences have been so similar to my own.
Much like me, Jimmy Eat World has experienced a series of ups and downs since Bleed American. Their subsequent album, Futures, was a miserable, moaning effort, best suited (to quote Dr. Sheldon Cooper) as a mixtape for a double suicide. But they showed true talent and innovation when they came back with Chase This Light, a musical triumph that proved they could both grow with their audience and still offer the same brand of rock that brought fans to them in the first place.
I love Jimmy Eat World. But that does not make me blind to their faults. Their albums are obviously formulaic. Their formula has three distinct musical parts: catchy anthems (like their biggest commercial hit, The Middle); harder songs that rely heavily on the use of the “rock” pedal, and at least one heavy-hitting ballad (an excellent example is the epic seven-minute 23, the only song that even remotely redeemed Futures.) Without these three elements, a Jimmy Eat World Album is doomed to mediocrity, if not all-out failure.
Invented – September 28, 2010
1. Heart Is Hard To Find
2. My Best Theory
3. Evidence
4. Higher Devotion
5. Movielike
6. Coffee and Cigarettes
7. Stop
8. Littlething
9. Cut
10. Action Needs An Audience
11. Invented
12. Mixtape
I was taken by surprise when I saw Invented playing in at an HMV listening station a few weeks ago. I follow music sporadically at best, and had no idea the album was about to be released. The first track seemed to promise good things to come… it was hardly the best effort I’d heard from Jimmy Eat World, but the hook was undeniable, and by the end of my first listen, I was singing along. I left HMV with my CD in hand.
Don’t let the first track fool you. Invented is missing something. All of the neccessary elements are in place- the band recorded an excessive sixteen songs for the physical CD, apparently to cover all the bases- but the gesture feels empty. The rock songs are soft; the anthems difficult to sing along to and the ballads a mopey reworking of a series of thoughts the band has already articulated on previous recordings. The addition of Arizona folk singer Courtney Marie Andrews on more than half the tracks does nothing to increase their appeal. (Frankly, when I heard Jim Adkins singing along with her to a line that began with Boy, I was totally confused.) My Best Theory as the first single is an absolutely counter-intuitive choice, given that it’s one of the weakest songs on the album… and the utterly bizarre alien video hinders far more than it helps.
I love Jimmy Eat World, but I don’t love Invented. Although it’s nowhere near as awful as Futures, it’s an effort that is probably best forgotten… and likely will be within the next few years, when the band releases a new, superior album.
xox,
Cee
I truly believe you that until you know all the emotions (i.e. happiness, pleasure, sorrow, and love) you can’t truly understand them. Essentially, until you have known great pleasure, it is hard to get through great sorrow. Until you know sorrow, it is hard to appreciate great love…
Well, this year has been sucky. A big pile of sorrow.
Death. (My grandPARENTS)
Distance. (Literally, metaphorically and emotionally from my biological family)
Despair (… need I say more)
These seemed to be the most common themes for lil’ol’Tee in 2009 and 2010. Somehow, through it all there always seemed to be a light… a voice that helped guide me through it all. Someone who stood beside me and showed me that it is always better to just BE.
Then that voice stopped. Disappeared without warning and in some ways; left me feeling more lost than I was before I came to except myself. I know this may not seem fair but… WTF! I do not know what you were looking for this last year, but I deserved more than just to be some project. Someone to leave behind as soon as you deemed they were finished. You say I have layers of mask. That you can always see through them all to the “real me.”
Why couldn’t you see that every time you texted me saying you missed and loved me that YOU KILLED ME. I tried everything I could to make sure our “friendship” was two-sided. I thought I had finally found a friend who I could trust whole-heartedly. But all you did was make me more closed off to the people who I should have been open and honest with.
I can’t really be angry with you. Because without trying, the last thing you taught me was one of the greatest lessons of all… BE CAREFUL WHOM YOU SHOW YOUR HEART TO…
Thank you.
xo,
Tee
The truth is, although they entice you with shiny cover art and big promises about how the secrets they contain will change your life, any self-help book with more than one page is lying to you; its author is taking advantage of your lack of confidence in your own judgment to empty your pockets. If you really, truly, want to feel better- and I mean taller, slimmer, more confident, happier- you only have to do one teeny, tiny, measly little thing.
You don’t even have to enjoy it! You just have to do it.
I’ve been meaning to write this post for a long time. I think about it every time I go out for a run (which is at least four days a week), after the initial shock to my legs and feeling that I have so much further to go, when the endorphins kick in. At that point, I start mentally drafting tomes about the wonders of running. But I finally realized yesterday afternoon that I absolutely had to put my thoughts down on paper.
To say that I was feeling down on myself yesterday afternoon would be a gross understatement. I made a small, inconsequential mistake at work early in the morning that really set the tone for my day. There was no reason for it to upset me, except that it was something so simple, I should have known better. In fact, I did know better. But I am so dissatisfied with what I do for a living that I have no motivation to pay attention to accuracy… and that leads to stupid mistakes that leave me looking stupid. It felt like the weight of the world was all on me. I’m twenty-five and still have yet to live up to brilliant potential (or even remotely exercise the hundreds of IQs points with which I was endowed.) To make matters worse, I have no concrete solutions to my problems.
When I got home, I changed out of my work clothes into a pair of yoga capris and a pink tanktop. I laced up my kiddie Pumas (it’s true, my feet have yet to grow to adult size) and started pounding the pavement.
For the first few blocks, I was still miserable. I thought about how I hate my job; how I miss my old office; how I don’t have nearly as much money as I would like. But then my mind drifted to a newspaper article I read over someone’s shoulder on the bus, about a man who has recently started running. Running had not turned out to be the life-changing experience that running magazines told him it would be, he claimed, but he could rationalize continuing simply because it was better for him than, well, not running.
I think that must have been the exact second when my body started producing endorphins, because all I could think was that he must not be doing it right.
Now that I’m not out running and the feel-good haze has lifted, I can see things a bit more clearly. I won’t lie to you. Running is hard. When you first start it will leave you panting and exhausted and ashamed of your pitiful level of fitness. The key is, though, is so simple; just keep going. You will improve. Your body will become stronger and faster. After all, it was built for running and jumping and climbing… the harder you work, the more you will be amazed by what an incredible tool it really is. Even if you have no sense of accomplishment in your personal life, you will feel a sense of accomplishment from knowing what your body can do.
Running is an elemental part of the human experience. Throughout history, people have used running as means of escape (sometimes literally, sometimes more figuratively), whether from dangerous predators, invading tribes, cruel slave masters or just the drudgery of existence in the Facebook age… I’m not advocating running away from your problems, exactly. What I’m saying is that if you run, the problems you have will seem smaller and more trivial.
Anyone who claims to have all the answers is lying. I don’t. No pseudo-doctor peddling common sense does, either. If you really want to feel better about yourself, don’t look to a book. Nothing on sale at Chapters can give you easy answers to hard questions; the fact is, easy answers don’t exist. Why not just lace up your shoes and starting running?
xox,
Cee
Growing up, I remember countless days– nights thinking about my future. It never mattered how old I was I wanted the picket fence dream. Fall in love; get married, have a couple kids. Then all of a sudden, I am gay, okay not all of a sudden. According to all those who are not me the path was excruciatingly gradual. Still…
One month ago, I watch my BFFFFF marry the love of her life. (Well second to me, come on lets be honest ) When it comes to Cee and I, there really are no words. However, one word captures Cee and her husband Ian perfectly, TRUE. They share a kind of bond, a kind of love I am desperate to experience.
It does not need to happen tomorrow, but with everyone around me pairing off, I want to find a man, remember, “I am a gay” (Hahaah! Daffyd of Little Britain), who wants the same things as I do.
People who want romance… who want to wait three dates (possibly more, I am a little prudish) to see if we even like each other before hopping into bed together. I don’t ask for much; just know my last name and my favorite color. HAYWARD and PURPLE. (IT’S ALL RIGHT THERE GUYS! EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW hehee! )
I am a classicist. I want our eyes to meet across a crowded room, exchange coy smiles throughout the night before we finally garner the courage to introduce ourselves to one another. I want to be so wrapped up in that first conversation that we loose track of time and become those annoying last people who have not left the party even though the clean up crew has started work. Then we walk to our cars and then after a planning to meet for coffee soon and exchange numbers, we goodbye. We get into our separate cars and my phone vibrates. It’s you texting and the message reads, “I know a crappy little coffee joint that is open 24 hours…?”
Earlier today, I began to text myself out of potentially asking someone out for a simple cup of coffee. (YES IT IS POSSIBLE) If I ever I want my dream I HAVE to put myself– my heart on the line. Because from all the happy couples around me I can see that the juice is worth the squeeze.
xo,
Tee
P.S HAYWARD and PURPLE!
Erik Hassle; PIECES
released: February 22, 2010
“It’s music about things you think of when you’re going to sleep…”
oh my gods! Oh mY GODS! OH MY GODS!
I have found my new love theme Isn’t It Obvious and it is off the debut album “PIECES” by the incredibly talented artist Erik Hassle (http://www.erikhassle.com)!
I cannot honestly tell you how I came to find him, but I am so grateful that I did. The entire album is a masterpiece as it feels personal, almost like I could have written the album myself… but in a crazy talented I never could kind of way Erik Hassle has managed to capture raw and real emotions directly from my soul with his music.
A MUST HAVE! SUPPORT THIS AMAZING TALENT!
